Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
