I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
