my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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