i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
