DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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