I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
