I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize