I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
