Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
