Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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