I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
