eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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