Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
