I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
