I bet he comes in French.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
