Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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