i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
