i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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