He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
