i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
