I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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