i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
