ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
