my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
