I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
