i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize