Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize