my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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