never play flip cup with pint glasses
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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