I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We are all done wearing pants today
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
