oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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