happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
