Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize