I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
