**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
