I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She needs sedatives and a leash
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
