dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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