i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
