also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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