He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
