eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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