I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
