captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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