Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize