i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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