I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize