What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
