the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
