whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize