Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
