I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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