ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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