So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
